omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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