Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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