It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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