ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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