I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
