I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
