My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
