I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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