if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
tell me about the eggs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
