Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
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He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
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What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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