don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
