well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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