I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
