someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
