I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
