i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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