fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
