She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
