My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
