fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
