Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i now understand why vodka
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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