I feel great
I just peed on a car
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
