you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
