just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
