If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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