Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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