Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
