you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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