so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
