it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
