omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
