Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Drunk is a universal language darling
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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