How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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