Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
