Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
