her vagine was all disorganized.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
