My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
