please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
