I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
