i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
