your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
