I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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