dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
