dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
