kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
