Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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