If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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