I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
