that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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