Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
pop tarts are not kleenex
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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