I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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