Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Welp...herpes.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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