If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
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