I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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