also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
