Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
